Fear

How many of us have become crippled by fear. I have over the span of five years become completely incapacitated by my fear of pain. Any pain I endured since that time has been extremely hard to cope with. I share much about my accident, and it is my hope that you can have patience in listening one more time. Over the years I have gained much insight on my process of healing. Becoming my own advocate researching all aspects of the damage and the steps to healing. For years I have been terrified of having something like my accident and the pain I endured happen again. I have been so afraid. I knew in my heart that fear doesn't come from God. I knew that I needed to trust in him, but in the midst of my pain I asked him to take it away that it was too much to bear. My answer was loud in my ear. No. I couldn't understand, but because of my strong faith at the time, I asked him to help me through it then. I didn't know how to give it to the Lord. All my fears, pain, emotions, anxiety, and depression. As my trauma grew, my faith decreased. I was shaken to the core by this experience, and although I loved my Heavenly Father, I never had been tested so strongly to where I felt my faith was dwindling. I knew that there were things I could do to increase my faith, and to grow close to my Heavenly Father, but I realized I was angry that he had let me go through something so horrible. It was affecting everyone around me. My husband was stressed to complete end. My kids were suffering. I wanted for this to be over and taken from me and I didn't help myself. After time I accepted that this was something that would eventually make me stronger that I could learn to cope. I had to accept what the Lord had in mind for me, not what I had in mind. As long as I continued to fight or find a way to change things I was only making it harder on myself. Now keep in mind that this was a long process that spanned over five years. It took a long time to go through all the steps of grief: Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining, and Acceptance. I am still healing but have come to the acceptance phase of my healing. In accepting the Lord's will I have begun to really heal from this ordeal. I recently had a surgery, one that wasn't necessary, but eventually would be. I had an incision that broke open and healed very wrong. My Doctor told me that it could herniate and I didn't want to go through one more thing when all I had to do was repair it. It was an easy repair and fairly non-invasive. So along with the pain and discomfort with it, as well as it was hideous, I didn't want to deal with a hernia too. I decided because I had reached my deductible it would be a free endeavor. As the surgery came ever nearer to me I began to become distressed with my PTSD symptoms. The evening prior was a nightmare. The following morning worse. I was a mess. When my husband and I were in the elevator I put my head softly on the elevator wall and asked why I was doing this? It wasn't an emergency? Why was I putting myself through this? He told me to be strong and that it would be better to get it done than to leave it. So many memories flooded my mind. It was the same time of year as my accident, the sounds, the smells. As the nurse took my blood pressure she looked at me with concern and asked if I was in pain. My blood pressure was 160/100, and my heart rate was 150 or so beats per minute. I told her that I had PTSD and that I would be okay. They did everything to make me comfortable. Suddenly it hit me with great clarity. I needed to go through this because I was facing my fear. That if I was truly going to begin to heal and no longer prolong my healing I had to face my fear. That as horrible as my ordeal was it would soon pass. That in the end because I faced my fear I would gain control of my fear that it would no longer control me. I was excited for this idea. My pain was intense after the surgery, but for the first time in years, I was calm and in control and did my best to help myself. I was no longer afraid. It felt amazing! I was so excited that after five years of hell, I was free! Now keep in mind my health trial have not changed, but my outlook changed. I was beginning to heal. Healing doesn't happen over night, but it can happen swiftly. I can begin to heal finally, and I am not afraid. If I had not done this surgery, and listened to my Savior. I would have run from this and prolonged my healing. I am so happy that this experience has made me better. I am stronger. I can help others' as I have compassion and empathy. I am so grateful that I had the strength to endure, that my Heavenly Father helped me through this. If we fight what he has in store from us, we only make things harder. He is our Father, he loves us, and knows us. He knows what is best for us, better that we know for ourselves. Just as we love our children, we know what is best for them and we are to guide them. He is the same. This is what I have learned. I am grateful to have gained this knowledge and experience. I hope to pass on these things. Accept what you must, let go of the idea that we have control our control over things is limited, endure till the end it too shall pass, gain strength through our Savior, gain strength from family and friends, remain positive, and do not fear, replace fear with faith.

How Do I Let Go?

How come it is so difficult to see something that is right in front of your face? So often I find myself not being able to see the solution to my problem that is right there and has been there right before me. I am sure that there are others' out there that could tell me what I need to do, and that it is easy for them to see what I need to do. When it is your problem that you are trying to solve it is much more difficult to see what you need to do. It is all that much harder to actually do the actions that are necessary, and do I have the courage to face them? I have been struggling with my health for the past five years. I have searched over and over with no solution to fix what happened to me. I have been from Doctor to Doctor. Ever since my accident I have been lost in emotional and physical pain. The accident was the match that started many of the health(fires) I have endured. I have been in therapy ever since. I have become my own advocate, researching all I can on how to help myself. It has at times made me more paranoid, but in so many ways it has helped me move forward. Gaining all the pieces to my puzzle. Yet I still continue to struggle moving forward. I have gone through all the steps of the healing process, with the acceptance phase being the last step, and that is where I am right now. I believe that I still have a way to go, but I will get there. I try with all my might to release the emotions that are locked up inside of me. I am not sure why this is so difficult? It has been a very hard and long road. I have much that I need to let go of, but everything reminds me of the trauma I suffered. Smells, sounds, nightmares, flashbacks, all kinds of things affect me. How does one move forward when every illness, when everything reminds you of the suffering? It takes you back and suffocates you constantly? How do I give it to the Lord? I know that these things take time and patience. I don't expect it to go away over night. I know that I will never be the same. I know that I will always have this experience and pain with me, but I want to get to a place where I have only the scar that remains. A reminder, but only that. I am not sure that when one suffers a horrible traumatic event, they ever really get over it. I do believe that they can learn how to cope with it though. That healing and coping comes from the Lord. We have to understand that that is the very reason why Christ suffered what he suffered. He did it so that he would understand us, so that he knew what we were going through. So we wouldn't have to suffer like him. I know all of these things with depth of my heart. It is quite another thing though to put it into practice. I pray with all my heart that I can become what it is the Lord is trying to mold me into. It is my prayer that we all can be like Christ, and to reach our true potential. That we will turn to him in our darkest hour. That we can turn to him and not make our trials harder on ourselves. I know that trials are necessary to make us better individuals, and without the Lord we cannot possibly get through them. I hope that I can continue learning how to give this trial I am going through to my Savior. That I can gain the insight that I need, and let this trial enhance instead of hurt me.

Another of my funny medical experiences!

Funny story. Yesterday I had a colonoscopy done. I have had one done before so I knew what to expect. This office does things a little differently though, as I was soon to find out. So there I was, up on the table in the procedure room with my cheese in the wind... and the sweet nurse rolls me over and  begins to tell me about the drugs she was going to be giving me. Thank heavens you get something beneficial out of it. I was relieved to be given them because my anxiety is always high in these type of situations. Especially because I was nervous about the results. As she administers the drugs, she informs me that they will be filling me with gas so they can get a better look at the bowel. I smiled goofily and mumbled okay. I didn't care what they did to me at this point. I was feeling good. My head became fuzzy, and I drifted off to sleep. When I awoke about fifteen minutes later my stomach hurt so much. As I became more coherent I told the nurse who was wheeling me into recovery that I was hurting. She said very kindly, "Remember I told you that we filled you with gas, so in order for you to feel better you need to pass gas."  She told me that every-time I felt pain I needed to push and let it out, that it was necessary to do this or you cannot relieve your pain, and it will make you sick. So I just tried to make the best of it, because it was really painful. Oh the humiliation! Not only was my Mother there with me, cause I could not drive home, but the recovery room was filled with nurses, doctors, and other patients. So again my tummy rumbled with terrible pain and pressure....FERVVVVT! Ah sweet relief! It was not long however, when the pain returned and I again needed to relieve myself. I wondered how long this was going to take? I was talking to my Mom, and as we were talking, I told her how embarrased I was farting in front of everybody. I tried so hard to talk over my rumbling guts, and the sound of the music I was creating. I tried to be discreet, but to no avail. The nurses looked unfazed as I know that they are used to this. I can't imagine going off to work everyday to the musical stylings of their patients instruments. How they must giggle, and have such tales to tell. I am sure they have some good ones. When all of the sudden, to my amusement didst hear, but another trumpeting from someone else's rear! All those people's cheeks a flapping and a slapping! I started to giggle and replied to my Mom, oh this is so funny! I figured at least we are all in this together. It will leave me with a great story to tell nonetheless. A hilarious picture entered my mind, (I will turn it into a story for your enjoyment).
I imagined all of us patients tucked up as we'd toot. All behind little curtains in the recovery room. All tossing and turning and being so bold, we did do exactly just what we were told. How not we should hold, breaking wind, one, two, three....as we did, we felt better, and our pain was set free. The curtains blew out every minute or two, some were green and some were blue. They'd blow back and forth, and they'd go to and fro, like a rippling ribbon someone had just flown. The curtains looked as if they had been punched with a gust, when what to our ears, a patient did bust! One by one, here and there, a painful affair. For some of these patients, so deep their despair. A patient would sigh, for relief they did seek. Being free of the air, from their chest to their cheeks. Also was there, a small quiet giggle, from the people by the bedside, their loved ones they'd wiggle. Then the nurse she would come to the curtain she'd peek, her patient she'd ask, have you any wind between your cheeks? Those silly gowns oh how they did flow, from the patients' behinds came a terrible blow. We patients did suffer, we'd rock to and fro. The pain in our tummies, a perilous woe. While with each musical styling echoing throughout this room, the wind being made from a patient or two, makes the nurses hair blow back, from a most triumphant brood. It was a Musical definitely unlike any other, but it makes each of us laugh as we share it with another. At least it was my Mother, who sat there next to me, so that when the moment came to be, we'd laugh about my misery. My favorite part to my surprise, was that of another's powerful good-byes. A man on the other side of the room, let out a fart that I'd swear said BAROOM! I think even the stingiest a fellow, would smile to himself as the room began to mellow.
 Man this experience made me me laugh! Which of course helped little me, because of the vibrations from the laughing, it helped make me free!!!!! How nothing better to help deal with my woe, than the riotous sound of a gas passing blow!
Ah laughter, and making yourself laugh, when things are sad, bad, and just plain uncomfortable. Nothing in life helps you to deal with the troubles of life, then with the ability to laugh. I am grateful for my sense of humor, and I hope you enjoy this story, as much as I do. I hope it at least brings a smile to your face! :)

My Son's Courage

My sweet darling boy told me this morning through his tears that the kids at school had been making fun of him. They teased and tormented him for the shoes he had worn. It broke my heart. I then told him with all the love in my heart, that kids can be very cruel and they were mean to me in school as well, and that it was very hard to overcome. I told him that if I could go back and tell myself one thing it would be that it doesn't matter one bit what those kids thought, did, or said to me. I am of worth, and that the only thing that matters is what I think of myself. That this time will pass and to hold my head up high no matter what the obstacle. I told him lovingly that he had two options of how he could handle this. He could wear those shoes despite what the kids say and that if they make fun of him again that he should tell them that he doesn't care what they think, that he likes them, and that their opinion doesn't matter to him. Or he could wear some different shoes, but that either option he holds his head up high and if those kids tease him that he doesn't listen to what they say, that it doesn't change how he feels about himself. I told him that I supported whatever decision he made, and that I understood if he didn't want to wear those shoes. I told him that if I were him I would wear those shoes to spite the mean kids and not care what they thought. I left the decision to him. He looked up at me with his gorgeous blue eyes and a smile on his face. He picked up the shoes that the kids made fun of him for, and said that he was going to wear them, and that he was gonna hold his head high not caring what they thought. I told him that he didn't have to do this, and he told me, "No Mom, I am gonna do this no matter what happens". I grabbed him and gave him a great big hug. I told him that I was so proud of him. I told him that when the kids torment him that it is hard to not care what they think, but that he can persevere, that he should be friends with the other kids that get made fun of. That he should let this kind of situation make him a more compassionate and better person. He hugged me back and said, "I will". He smiled and walked out the door. I told him he was a great kid and that I loved him. He waved goodbye. It was so hard to send him out my door knowing that those kids would continue to pick on him, knowing that this was going to be a hard challenge for him. I just wanted to protect him from the hurt, but I knew that I can't interfere because these life lesson's made me a better person and that I needed to let him make the decision of who he was going to be with the hope that it would do the same for him. It is so hard to stand back when your child is in pain, it is so difficult to not want to shield them from all the pain out there. I would be doing him an injustice and he would not learn from these lessons if I protected him from them. It is so very difficult being a Mother loving your children the way you do and knowing that they will be hurt. I only hope that I can set the proper example for him and help him grow into a wonderful person. I love my kids with every fiber of my being and I would do anything for them. I hurt when they hurt. I feel their pain. I understand what they are going through. I will do my best to do right by them. I am so grateful to be their Mother and they bring me more joy than anything in this world or heaven. I hope that he can continue to have strength when they continue to hurt him. I am so proud of his courage. He is an amazing kid and I am so blessed to have him in my life.  

Tyger Whimsy-Photo Candy

Americana Theme

Peace Out

Sail Away

Buggin'

School Daze

Puff Puff Toot Toot

Princess for a Day

Polka Dot Pansy

I made these cute frames and they are way easy to make. All you do is take a wooden frame and modge podge on some scrapbook paper. I take wood cutouts and letters that I painted and added embellishments to, and then use wood glue to glue on the add-ons. Then you have yourself a cute personal frame! Super easy and super fun!

Examples

http://kareensjourneyhome.blogspot.com

Here is a link to a blog of a wonderful friend of mine who's someone trying to make a difference. What a profound example of charity she exudes. She is amazing and is really helping to bring people's attention to a good cause. Take a little time to read her story. It is beautiful.

Making a Difference

So many times in my life I have really wondered what more I could do to bring others love, laughter, and service. I am someone who always wants to help those around me. I love being service oriented. Being a good wife and a good mother is the ultimate priority to me. Giving service to my little family is the most important service I will ever do. I have a lot of health issues that somewhat prevent me from doing the things I desire so much to do. I am limited in those efforts, but I always strive to be better and do more, to push myself in these ways. I always have this longing to reach out to others though. To do more than just be a stay at home mom. A lot of times that is the reason I share such personal experiences with everyone because I feel that in sharing my painful and not so painful experiences is a way to help them, and it is a way for bonding, it is a way to strengthen our relationships. I feel that if it helps them get through their heartaches or whatever it is that they are struggling with, it is worth sharing those experiences. We learn so much from our own experiences and from others experiences as well. I truly believe that if we would just share more of what we have learned, and gone through, good and bad, we would all be better off. We would be more compassionate caring individuals. We need to not be afraid that someone will judge us. It helps to feel that we aren't alone and that someone has an idea of what we are going through. We need to understand that it is okay to let our guard down and show that we aren't without flaws, that we aren't perfect. To not be afraid that we will somehow seem less than we are. Sometimes we worry too much about making sure everyone thinks that we have no problems and that we have it all together, the perfect life. There is no such thing. All of us have our problems and it is okay to be vulnerable. That is the very key to service. It forces us to become selfless, and more loving. Just think of what the world would be like if we all focused more on serving and reaching out to those around us. The world would be a much better place. I believe that one person can make a difference. I want so much to be the kind of person that helps others. I want to make my life more. I want to be more. How does a stay at home mom be more than just that? What can I do to be out there and make a difference?  Right now with my health the way it is there is only so much I can do, so that is why I write my experiences, thoughts, and stories down. I do it in the hopes that I might reach someone out there who needed to hear the very thing I shared. I have learned so much through other people and what they have given me through the sharing of their experiences. I hope that putting myself out there, I will have made a difference in maybe just one person's life. I really believe that serving others makes us better people and that it's beneficial to everyone. Let us take the time each day to help someone. Let's make a goal to make a difference.

Busting a Gut!

Have you ever laughed so hard that your cheeks and abs hurt? That you have tears streaming down your cheeks?! I love laughing. It is truly the medicine to all sadness and stress. I don't know how people can go through life without surrounding themselves around wonderful friends and family who help to make you laugh and laugh. I have truly been blessed to have these kind of people in my life. Laughing is one of my favorite things to do with them. If ever I am stressed or sad, I surround myself with these people and we laugh until it hurts. This I have found is not only a mild workout, but a wonderful mood booster. As someone who suffers from depression, I have learned that if I can just laugh, it makes everything better for a time. My husband is hilarious! He has a delightful personality and usually in the evenings as we are laying in bed talking, we make each other laugh so hard that our bed jiggles lightly with our laughter! My kids are joy bringers as well. Kids truly say the darnedest things don't they? I have endless memories of the funny things my kids have done and said. I also have the most amazing family and friends. I enjoy nothing more in life than being with them. Spending time together laughing and just plain enjoying being around each other. These people in my life have so magically made my life wonderful. I am so grateful to have a great sense of humor! Both of my parents are funny and delightful teasers. My siblings and I will never forget the jokes my Dad pulled on us on April Fools Day. One April Fools joke my Dad pulled was the ever so tricky sending us to go clean our rooms. As we would drag ourselves begrudgingly towards our bedrooms, the door was slightly opened, we would shove our door open with great force. To our surprise, a cup of water would fall off from the top of the door splashing us with water as it fell to the ground getting us good and wet!! I love this memory and still brings a smile to my face. My Dad is quite the prankster and I love him for it. I am grateful for the great sense of humor both my parents have and that they passed it down to us kids. As it was said in one of my favorite old movies "Mary Poppins", "I love to laugh"! I love that scene where they laugh so hard they float to the ceiling. I always wished that I could do that when I laughed. As I have gotten older though I have realized that laughing like that, you really do feel as if you are floating! If only the world could have more laughter echoing through it with vibrating joy. Let's make it a goal to laugh more.... 

Faded with Tears

So many tears I have shed. So many times I have tried to become colorful again. When you are taken by illness, it changes you. You lose some of yourself. Your color. You try to become what you once were. You shed tear after tear, trying to get that color back. If you could only be what you were. So you try to  overcome. To recapture your beauty. Then you realize that you can't be the same. You will never be that again. You have changed. You have grown into something else. You are refining yourself. You are for a time, an unfinished color. You realize that the trials you face are the very thing that is giving color to your beauty. I see myself as this rose waiting to finish blossoming and becoming a vibrant color once more. Never to be what you were, but in the end a more beautiful version of yourself. Vibrant as ever. Never to be covered in tears again.
By Britney Tyger

Loving Life

I so love getting to spend time with my little family. It is so wonderful taking the kids on outings. We got to go to Lagoon (for those of you who don't know, it is an amusement park), the kids had such a blast. I get so much enjoyment out of watching them ride the rides. Especially because the rides are so much harder on me than they used to be. That is another sad thing about aging. You just can't do the things you used to. I am such a roller-coaster person, and for sure a thrill seeker although the older I get the less thrills I'm able to handle. Such a sad thing.... :(  What can ya do? We had some other members of the Tyger fam join us, and this was so much fun. I always think the more the merrier! My kids are such trooper's they really rode pretty much everything they could. I am surprised at some of the rides they chose to ride. It is really fun getting to ride the rides with my hubby too. We have such a great time together. We are always making each other laugh. I have come to realize how great it is to be able to have humor in life, especially when life gets tough. Just keep laughing no matter how much you are struggling, and even if you aren't struggling! Laugh, laugh, laugh!

Oogling the Goods!

So today my emotions are brimming and spilling all over the place. I have had so many experiences with the Medical Profession and MOST have not been pleasant ones! Today I had one of those wonderful experiences happen yet again! I could write a book on all that I have had to go through and how I feel the Profession has failed me. I will tell you of some of my sad, humorous, enjoyable, disappointing, and frustrating stories another day. Today my tale will be that of an experience I had just after having Caden, my first. I must say it is one of the more disturbing ones. It was when I had male med student or he could have been a student nurse. Which causes further confusion to this tale of why he needed to perform a breast exam on a mother who had just given birth? So he "cops a feel" of my ladyness up top. Saying that he "needed to give a breast exam to make sure that all is well". He said he needed to do this because he was a student and needed the experience of giving a breast exam. HA! Can you even believe this? Is this real life? Why did I let him? Well I was confused, naive, I was so doped up on drugs, labored for 14 hours and then had a C-Section, had just had a baby, and was exhausted! Why in the world would he need to give me an exam right after I had a baby??? Have any of you had this happen to you after giving birth? Um, all I have to say to that is he totally scammed on me and squeezed the juice! Creep! I made Mike stay with me till I knew he was off the shift. So there I was a new Mommie and enjoying the wonder of it all, and I get felt up by some pervert med student! "Special", huh?! I can laugh about this one now, but I was seriously peeved to say the least. He gave me the Hibbie Jibbies....ewblech! I will say this though, no one will be "squeezing the juice" unless I am there for a Breast Exam, by a professional, not a med student! Lesson learned! He probably went home and thought to himself...score! I am sorry to say that he is still out there somewhere ladies, so wear protective armor. If you think this is a good one, I have a million more goodies to share, so tune in... :)

"Evil Dr. Cop a Feel"

Discouraged

So this is me with a friend at a get together. I had spent so much time picking out the perfect stylish outfit, trendy jewelry, the right shoes, all the right little things together so I could look perfect for the evening. My hair was cut, colored, and styled just for the occasion. Some of the people at the party I had not seen in over 9 years. I know that I had put on weight and I was self-conscious about it, but I thought I looked pretty good. Well we took pictures and after the party I  looked through the pictures and cried. I did not look even slightly how I had imagined myself. How is it one day I can look in the mirror and feel that I look pretty decent and other times I look in the mirror or a picture and feel I look horrible. I realize I am overweight I am not in denial about this, but sometimes in my head, I think I see myself in the way I used to look. Then when presented with a picture, a mirror, or reflection I am reminded of what I have become. Other times I feel so bad at how I look that I see myself double or triple what I am. I am so tired of these mind tricks. I can tell that I have a pretty face and I really love my eyes, but they get lost in the fat on my face. I want my features to be what people notice, not the fat and then the possibility of beautiful features if I could just lose some weight. I want to know what I would look like with a tight trim and toned little body, with a pretty face and hair to match. I remember what I used to look like when I was younger, but then I was too self-conscious to notice how beautiful I really was. Now I have the realization, but not the figure to match. Now though I have grown up and have matured physically, and I bet I would look all that much nicer, if only I could lose the weight. I want to do this before I get older and it is too hard to keep the weight off, and the wrinkles set in. No matter how much I want this I just can't seem to get this. The past week has been hard to keep my goal to lose weight and become a more healthier me. I really want this, so I continue to try. Making and setting the goal to remain positive and steadfast. I must continue on.... Definitely in need of some encouragement.....   

The Great Outdoors

We are taking the kids camping this weekend for one last camping trip of the summer. I can't believe how fast this summer has flown by. The weather has really only just begun to be summer weather, so even that feels like summer should just be starting not coming to an end. What can ya do? I love camping. Getting into nature is such a great way to relax. It is so peaceful in the woods. I love going exploring, and seeing all the beauty around me. There is so much to offer outdoors. My boys are so excited to go fishing, this is actually the first time we have even had a chance to take them this summer. I am so glad my kids love to go camping getting a chance to be in the great outdoors. It is a great way to spend time together. Getting them away from technology, and letting them actually use their imagination that kids are so greatly blessed with. Sometimes you just need an escape from the world and all it's hustle and bustle. I have prepared healthy alternatives for myself so that I can stick with my "lifestyle change". I find that when I am prepared I have an easier time sticking to my goals of eating healthy. Usually in the past, I do really well at home and then we go somewhere. Like camping, visiting family or friends, vacationing, etc... That is what seems to get me off track. So I have discovered if I am prepared with what I need to be healthy, I stick to it so much easier. There is the occasional time when there isn't much you can do, so I just try to only have small proportions of those foods. Sometimes this works and sometimes I give in finding myself overeating. I have mentally prepared myself to be good so we will see how it goes. Here is what I keep telling myself, "I am going to succeed! No matter what happens I will remain positive and not beat myself up. I am determined to be active, enjoy myself, enjoy my family, and eat healthy." :)

A Better Day

Last night I broke down.... I cried myself to sleep. I have been really struggling with not being able to have any more kids. I had a dream that I was pregnant, and the feelings I had were so strong. I really thought I was for a minute, then I remembered that I can't and I became so sad. I really am so grateful for my darlings and that I even got the chance to be pregnant. There is something inside me that aches though. I have been really wanting another baby. I don't know that I could adopt because I have so many health problems, and I need to be a mother to the children I have. I guess sometimes I just need to mourn my loss and then move forward. Lately I have been worried about my health. I have had headaches every day for some time now. Sometimes they are really bad, other days they are just semi-annoying. I also have been getting vertigo when I move my head. More so while I am laying down. I am hoping that it is something minor and that can be fixed. I never worried about health issues till my accident. Ever since then I worry that I will have to go through something awful like that again. Needless to say, I have been under a lot of stress lately. I think that may be why I gave in to pie the other day. I needed a release I think, but I don't want to use food as an escape. I guess it is good I recognize that. Now I can see that when I am feeling stressed or sad, I can turn to something healthy instead. I realize that I need to focus on good, positive, and healthy things. When I am sad, I need to mourn but then quickly move forward. I know that I have a tendency to get stuck on unhealthy thoughts. I recognize this about myself, and I am working on staying focused on the good and healthy. I am determined to have a better day! :)

To Hard Days

Why is it that every time I start to lose weight and right before I weigh-in, I sabotage my results? I have a weigh-in tomorrow and I gave into banana cream pie! I know that I have been doing so good this week and passing up other things so on the very evening before, I give in? There has to be some kind of explanation for this mystery because I do it all the time. I am okay about giving in sometimes, but I can't figure out why I end up sabotaging myself? I do this for other things like when I am going to be seeing family or friends that I haven't seen in a while. Why do I break right before this. I am thinking it might be something psychological. Although I have no clue to what it means. So now I am starting to fit into things I could not previously, and this is very exciting for me. I know that it is crucial for me to lose weight if I am gonna succeed in not developing Diabetes. I have every desire to look and feel better. I want this so much, so why do I give in. I know that it is hard to resist good things, but most of the time this is not a problem. I know that every now and then we all seem to give in. I have been sick for so long you would think I would not want to become sick and that the very thought of it will keep me from cheating. I guess it is one of those things that we think, "It won't happen to me," kind of scenario's. I am determined to be healthy. I have to stay positive. No beating myself up! I can do this. I truly want to help others, and I am not even sure if this is helping anyone but me. I guess helping yourself is good enough. This blog may just be a journal for myself, but I am hoping maybe by putting myself out there that I can really achieve my goals. Writing it down seems to really be making a difference. If I am making a difference in just one person it makes it worth it. I do hope that the things that I share, my personal experiences, can help someone. Even if that someone is me... :)   

Maintaining my Goals (Oregon Coast Vacation)

Horsetail Falls

Oregon Coast

Amazing waves :)

Awe the beautiful Oregon Coast! I absolutely loved this vacation! We had a wonderful time. I love spending time with my family, and I love traveling. I was amazed by all the beautiful things we got to see while exploring the coast. Every day was an adventure, and my kids loved it. I also really love eating out and trying new restaurants. This can be a real problem for me because all of the naughty temptations that are out there. I managed to stick to my goals! I did enjoy a few things that got the better of me, but for the most part I did what I had set out to do. When I came home I weighed myself and I gained nothing! Wahoo! I maintained, which is exactly what I wanted. I knew that it would be difficult to lose so I just tried to do my best to maintain. I am very happy with my results! So now I am back home and I am working on being more healthy. That is eating healthy and getting good exercise. So far so good. I want so much to feel and look better. I have never been able to go on vacation before and not gain weight. I am feeling very happy to be able to do this goal successfully. It is a first, and I hope to be able to continue on any future events. I really want to accomplish my weight loss goals! Wish me luck... 

Vacation

The last few days my family has been on vacation in Washington. I have enjoyed this so much! The beach has been amazing, the views are breathtaking, the ocean air is refreshing, relaxing has been wonderful. I am in love with the coast. We have had an amazing time so far. I can't wait to see all that there is to offer on the rest of our journey. As far as staying healthy goes, I am impressed with my ability to control myself. I have done very well. I have had to eat a few unhealthy things, but I only ate a little. The rest of the time, I packed healthy foods and have stuck to it! Plus all the exercise I am getting by all the walking, hiking, and such has been very good for me. I am happy with my results thus far. I will post pictures of the amazing pictures we have taken! It's so beautiful out here. :)

Moderation in all Things!

The past couple of days I have managed to stick to my weight loss goals! I am feeling so good about this. Writing all of this down, and sharing my experience has been so helpful. I think that writing a journal about my daily events has made everything real. I am forced to really think about my decisions a lot more. It puts it out there and I am not able to rationalize this away. Now keep in mind that I always do very good at first as I am sure you all can relate. It is the events that come up is what through me back into my bad habits. So the real test for me is how will I handle the situation when it comes. I have every good intention of keeping to my goals. We shall see, but I am going to stay dedicated and positive. I am pumping myself with good thinking. Like last night, we have been moving, so we had no dishes, etc.. We ate pizza and I ate way too much... BUT, I did not beat myself up whatsoever. Now I know I can't afford to do this all the time. Instead of feeling like a failure, I gave myself props for sticking to my guns all day long. I had one naughty meal, and it is right back to being good the next meal. No feeling bad, no beating myself up, and continuing with my goals. While I was thinking about my pizza blunder I decided that I will make a new goal. The next time I eat something naughty I will make it a point to not overeat. Just have a small portion of the naughty tempter. Enjoy it, then stop!  I think the reason I end up over eating is because I am constantly trying to lose weight, and I start thinking I am never gonna have or do this again so I better enjoy and eat to my heart's content. In the words of my cute little niece...."Bad, bad, bad!" She shakes her cute little finger as she says this. If I do eat something I shouldn't I am not gonna do a "Bad, bad, bad", I am gonna remind myself that if I am breaking I am going to NOT overeat, just have a little of the treat. I will tell myself that I am entitled to a LITTLE bit. I have tried both staying completely away from all bad foods never allowing myself to cheat, and eating bad foods here and there while overeating them. So I am gonna try being very good as much as possible with a few exceptions, but only allowing myself small portions of the food I am indulging in. I am going to teach myself discipline. Just because I can doesn't mean I should. Just because I am cheating (here and there) doesn't mean I can go crazy when I do. Wait for the next time to enjoy my treat. Moderation in all things! :)

New Beginnings

I went over to our new house and cleaned so we can move in this weekend. I am excited because this was quite the workout: sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, cleaning four toilets (yuck), and cleaning out the much bigger kitchen. I think I burned quite a few calories.. hee hee! It felt so good. Also, I was able to eat healthy and in smaller proportions. Staying busy is a great way to not eat my sorrows away. I have become quite an emotional eater. It is when I am sick and not mobile that this really begins to cause problems for my emotional eating, and also my mentality of it all. I have way too much time to sit and dwell on the things I shouldn't. For a long time I have been limited in what activity I was able to do, making me feel very frustrated. When you can't do normal things it can be very discouraging. I had no idea how nice it was to be able to do the everyday things until I could no longer do them. I don't take those things for granted anymore. Even though I hate cleaning toilets.... I am grateful that I can now. Especially because I have two little boys.... Need I say more? We are very excited for this new adventure in our lives. I am so excited to be in a house! Yay! My kids are hilarious about what brings them joy about the house. Yesterday they were laying down on the family room floor (with plush carpet), and they rolled all over their new space laughing. They are so delighted about the room we now have, and I am so excited for them. Things are good, and I absolutely embrace them. :)

We are Who We Choose to Be!

Happy day! I achieved my goals yesterday! I am proud of myself. Just had to give myself a shout out! I am learning that I beat myself up a lot. This doesn't help me it only makes me discouraged, and then I end up doing the things I swear I won't ever do again. I am learning that giving myself a compliment does not mean that I am conceited. I have never wanted to be a conceited person, but conceited and confident are two very different things. Sometimes I am confident in many ways. Other times I am so bad at saying the most shocking things to myself. I realize that this is a horrible cycle and a trap! I will never succeed if I continue thinking this way. I need to love myself. I love so many others, why is this so hard for me to do for myself? I have had a lifetime of sadness on how others have treated me, and I have let what they think about me be the way I think about me. My first traumatic experience happened for me at three years of age. I was severely tormented by the neighborhood twelve year old twins. They were very mean bullies. I cannot share with you what they did to me for it is far too personal, but I will tell you it was so traumatic for me that I blacked it out of my memory. I was in sixth grade when it came flooding back. Blech! In grade school kids were very mean to me. I had very little friends. The kids did and said horrible things to me. I remember one day after a sad happening, I walked the playground wondering why these awful things were happening to me? What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I be pretty, and popular? Why didn't anyone think I was of worth? What I know realize is that I did have worth, and that I was a beautiful little girl. Grade school was a very hard time for me, and my self-esteem plummeted. There were times that a group of kids would take turns beating me. They would white-wash me, push snow down my snowsuit, and whip me with hanger wires. Sometimes girls would leave a beautiful present for me and when I opened it, I found it was a disguise for a nasty prank....dog poop. My heart ached, and I could not comprehend why these things happened to me. I didn't understand that people are mean, people can be cruel, but I did not have to base my self worth on what they thought of me or did to me. I only wish I had known that when I was young. This is what I want to stress to the young people of this world. That these things are a part of life, and we are who we choose to be. We are of worth and of value no matter what anyone thinks, says, or does. I found strength in my family, my brothers, my sisters, and my cousins. They were the ones that I had the happy memories of childhood with. I am very lucky to have an amazing family. My little life was not always so tragic, I had good times too, but these experiences did take an enormous toll on me. This is where my self-esteem was formed. These are my first feelings of self loathing. In Junior High my situation improved a little, I had made some friends, but I never really felt like I belonged. I flitted from group to group. There were many times I ate by myself. Some of this was my own fault. I had no confidence in myself. I carried around way too much self doubt because of my past experiences. High school is where I found my truest friends. I loved my friends and I really began to blossom. I let my painful past help me to reach out to others. I tried to be kind to everyone I encountered. I still struggled with my self-esteem, and I was not perfect at reaching out, but I really did try. Growing up is hard for everyone. We all have painful pasts that made us who we are today. We all have things we regret doing, but this is what shapes us. We, myself included, need to be kinder to ourselves. Let go of those sad memories. Let them enhance you and make you better. I do not feel sorry for myself because these things helped me to become a more compassionate, and loving person. I never wanted to treat anyone the way I was treated. I knew how it felt, and I wanted to reach out to others who suffered as well. At a very young age this was instilled in me. I am grateful that these trials made me a better person. So now as an adult I realize that I am a good person. That I need to love all of who I am, not just the good things about me, but the bad too. Fix the bad, but don't beat yourself up. Give yourself compliments and praise. Gain the confidence that you need to succeed. I am still trying to do these things myself. It is an easy thing to say, but a much harder thing to achieve. I know that I can grow to love all of me. I hope that you can too. I believe that this mentality is what will help me to achieve my weight loss goals, and the goal of loving me for me. Let's do this thing! We are going to succeed! :)

Vices

I didn't get my bike ride in, and I ate some birthday cake! So naughty. Can I tell you how hard it is to change your lifestyle. What I don't understand is how I can get off of a Phentanyl patch cold turkey, BUT I can't seem to stop my bad eating habits. Ahhh! So hard... For those of you who are wondering... After my gallbladder accident, the pain was intolerable. I tried many other ways to help control my pain, but there was no other options. My doctors recommended a pain patch. This would be better than taking pills. It would help cause I had a small steady stream and I wouldn't have problems with popping pills. I was grateful for this because on top of everything else I didn't need a drug addiction too! My husband and I decided that this would be a temporary thing till I could find a better way to help with my pain. My hubby was going to school full-time and working full-time as well. I had two little kids at home that needed their Mommy. So we felt that this would help me function. The pain was ever constant and pretty much incapacitated me. I needed some help. At first this was such a benefit. It truly helped. Because of the constant stream, I never really felt a high or a crash. I had to change my patch every three days. On the third day I felt pretty crappy till I was able to change the patch. So for a while this was what we felt was a great blessing. Eventually I developed a tolerance to the medicine and needed to strengthen the dose. This happened a couple of times throughout the year, but it was helping so my doctor, my husband, and I felt this was the course of action we should take. I began to change a lot in my personality. I was tired all the time due to the dose of medicine. I remember one day I went to the doctor because I had not been able to find anything else to help with the damage from my accident. He told me that I would probably have to stay on the patch for many years. I asked him about my tolerance and he told me that I might want to consider a morphine pump! Say whaaaaa....? I came home after the news and saw my husband Mike and my two darling friends sitting on the grass talking. I ran into Mike's arms and completely fell apart. I sobbed in his arms. After I gained my composure, I told the three of them what the doctor had told me. I knew that I could not continue down this path. I had changed so much, and the drugs were never going to be a permanent thing. What was I gonna do? I could not stand the toll they were taking on me, but the pain...the crazy ridiculous pain... I continued on the patch for a short time, and actually decreased the dose. I told my doctor that staying on these things permanently was not on option. We talked about a weaning process. I decided that I would try to wean. All in all I was on the pain patch for three years. My pain had not really improved, but I couldn't handle the toll they were taking on me and my family. I was going to have to learn to use my "brain power", to help me with my pain. I went into the hospital to go off the medicine cold turkey... WOW! This was the worst experience ever. I had no idea how awful detoxing was. I was such a naive little thing. I had never done drugs or drank or anything of the sort. The first days of my detox were the worst. I had uncontrollable shakes, I felt every inch of my body waking up. My skin was extremely irritated and sensitive. I felt every single cell in my body reacting to the horrible withdrawal. I was sweating, no appetite, sleeping was very difficult, my heart raced and pounded, I had stomach and bowel issues... My muscles and bones hurt intensely, and I could not bear the darkness in my head. It feels like the worst flu bug you can imagine. I wanted to die or give up, but I held on. My Heavenly Father, my husband, my family, my friends, and the hospital staff were an amazing support. After a week I got to come home! I had made it! I had the most amazing experience and had gained a new respect for those who struggle with addiction. I now understood the vice that these drugs had, and how hard they were to get off them. They compare Phentanyl to a type of heroine. So you can imagine how hard this was. Somehow with God's sweet grace I made it through. I am ever grateful for my experience and all that I learned, especially about myself. As time went on my anxiety and depression went away. I was going to therapy to help learn how to manage my pain with my mind. I was doing it. Eventually after about six weeks I began to feel like my old self again. I felt like the dark clouds had lifted and I could see and feel the sunshine again. The fog had lifted. My pain was ever present, but I felt so much better being off those drugs! I have learned with amazement that anything is possible! I had an amazing support system. I am so grateful for those around me that were my strength through the hard times. I found ways to help my chronic pain, and am still working on this challenge, but I am faring very well. Now...I need to get control of my health and weight. So how can I come off of a strong drug so successfully, but not be able to keep the weight off? This is my dilemma I am finding myself in. I am obviously a determined gal, so why can't I do this? Why is this the one thing I can't do? I am on a path of discovering the answer to this problem. Meanwhile, I am discouraged that I wasn't able to stick my seemingly easy goal. Well today is a new day, and I am gonna try again. I will remain positive... I can do this! I am going to succeed! :)  

Transformations

So this is me at eighteen.

This is me at thirty-two.

Yikes! Pictures of my changing self. Here is a visual of my transformation. Scary..huh? For me anyway. This is not an easy thing to show I have to say, but I am done hiding. I am ready to break away from my shell I have created. I have accepted that I will never have that eighteen year old body again, BUT... I am determined to be a better, healthier, me. I want to feel beautiful again. I am done loathing myself for what I have let myself become. It is time to love myself, and accept myself. I hope to soon post before and after picks of my new transformation...

Starting Over Yet Again

My Awesome Cruiser :)

So today is the day! I am gonna go exercise! Most things like walking for a long distance...etc.. Are quite painful for me, but I found that riding a bike is a great way to get the exercise that I need and it does not cause or trigger my pain! My hubby got me a Cruiser bike for Mothers Day. He is such a sweetie! I love riding this thing. I need to go grocery shopping, and buy me some healthier choices of food. I am starting out slow so that I don't burn myself out. I always do really good at first then I end up getting a kidney infection or something fun like that. It  throws me out of the swing of things. My immune system is struggling so I catch everything under the sun. I had pneumonia twice this winter. I am not complaining, I have gotten accustomed to my health challenges. It is frustrating however, but I have accepted my fate. So I end up eating good and exercising...than something happens..duh..duh..duh! I am gonna get up the courage to start over yet again. Today my goal is to go on a bike ride with my little ones, and go shopping for groceries. I have hope on my side. These are my two goals for today... Wish me luck! I am gonna succeed (my new motto)! :)

Finding the Strength

Today I am starting over again... For quite some time now I have struggled with my weight going up and down on the scale. I can't tell you how many times I have lost 30 lbs. only to gain it back. College was really when my weight started going up and down. I had endometriosis and had to take birth control pills. Ugh, can you imagine being crazed and then starting birth control... Plus, I was a Theater Major and was either in a play or helping with one. Rehearsals would go into the late night hours. The theater gang then went to dinner in the wee hours of the early morning. I was a poor college student and did not have the time nor the money to prepare a good meal. I lived off of fast food and Ramen. Not the greatest diet, I admit. You would think I would have been starving, but somehow with my lifestyle and eating habits the weight crept on. I would go home for the summer and my Mom and I would eat healthy and exercise. So I would drop off quite a bit of weight. When I got married I was overweight, but I thought I felt and looked pretty good. Well I got pregnant right away, and I thought whatever I gained would be "Pregnancy Weight". Ha ha ha! I gained a whopping 64 lbs. I ended up having an 11 pound baby... Wow! I know! I had a C-section...no way was he coming out any other way. I managed to lose over 50 lbs. in two weeks after having my first baby. I carried a lot of water apparently. Slowly though the weight crept on again. By the time I had my second child I managed to only gain 30 lbs., and quickly lost the baby weight as well. I still kinda went up and down till my baby was one years old. I then had the misfortune of having to get my gallbladder out. To make a long story short: The doctor had cut a bile duct and we were not aware of this till one week after surgery. I ended up in the E.R. in the most horrific pain of my life. They did emergency surgery and discovered the bile. I had many complications and another emergency surgery. This left me very scarred physically and mentally, and ended up with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I had multiple health problems after this. I later found out that I had developed Interstitial Cystitis (a bladder problem). I developed Ulcerative Colitis, and they found a hiatal hernia. I found out that my kidney's had begun to calcify. I had terrible chronic pain in my upper abdomen. I developed wicked anxiety and depression. I had spine and neck problems due to my many surgeries. Last but not least, I found out that my uterus was in extremely bad shape, and needed to come out immediately. So no more children. This was devastating for me. I love kids and am very grateful for the two adorable sweet boys I was able to have, but my heart ached though for the children I would not have. Before I had my second baby I had three miscarriages. I had to have a surgery with one of the miscarriages. This was very hard on my husband and me. So finding out that I had to have a hysterectomy was difficult to say the least. All of this went on over the space of four years with me being bedridden for most of it. How could I even absorb all that was happening to me, much less try and have a normal life. I am very close to developing Diabetes type 2 now so I cannot afford to have any more health problems if I can help it. So here I am at 32 years old realizing that I no longer recognize myself in the mirror. I look through my blue eyes and see traces of the old me left behind under way too much stress, and a very different body. I have slowly started to be able to become active again. I am hoping that I can loose the weight that I need to so that I can help my health where I can. So much I cannot control, but I need so much to get control of my weight so I do not develop any more problems. I do not tell my story to gain sympathy, but to gain knowledge and power over my difficulties. Only hoping that I can gain strength in numbers. Also that I may reach out to others who struggle and help them in their heartaches. So here I go with this goal, hoping that blogging this helps me. I am ready to find myself again.