We are Who We Choose to Be!

Happy day! I achieved my goals yesterday! I am proud of myself. Just had to give myself a shout out! I am learning that I beat myself up a lot. This doesn't help me it only makes me discouraged, and then I end up doing the things I swear I won't ever do again. I am learning that giving myself a compliment does not mean that I am conceited. I have never wanted to be a conceited person, but conceited and confident are two very different things. Sometimes I am confident in many ways. Other times I am so bad at saying the most shocking things to myself. I realize that this is a horrible cycle and a trap! I will never succeed if I continue thinking this way. I need to love myself. I love so many others, why is this so hard for me to do for myself? I have had a lifetime of sadness on how others have treated me, and I have let what they think about me be the way I think about me. My first traumatic experience happened for me at three years of age. I was severely tormented by the neighborhood twelve year old twins. They were very mean bullies. I cannot share with you what they did to me for it is far too personal, but I will tell you it was so traumatic for me that I blacked it out of my memory. I was in sixth grade when it came flooding back. Blech! In grade school kids were very mean to me. I had very little friends. The kids did and said horrible things to me. I remember one day after a sad happening, I walked the playground wondering why these awful things were happening to me? What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I be pretty, and popular? Why didn't anyone think I was of worth? What I know realize is that I did have worth, and that I was a beautiful little girl. Grade school was a very hard time for me, and my self-esteem plummeted. There were times that a group of kids would take turns beating me. They would white-wash me, push snow down my snowsuit, and whip me with hanger wires. Sometimes girls would leave a beautiful present for me and when I opened it, I found it was a disguise for a nasty prank....dog poop. My heart ached, and I could not comprehend why these things happened to me. I didn't understand that people are mean, people can be cruel, but I did not have to base my self worth on what they thought of me or did to me. I only wish I had known that when I was young. This is what I want to stress to the young people of this world. That these things are a part of life, and we are who we choose to be. We are of worth and of value no matter what anyone thinks, says, or does. I found strength in my family, my brothers, my sisters, and my cousins. They were the ones that I had the happy memories of childhood with. I am very lucky to have an amazing family. My little life was not always so tragic, I had good times too, but these experiences did take an enormous toll on me. This is where my self-esteem was formed. These are my first feelings of self loathing. In Junior High my situation improved a little, I had made some friends, but I never really felt like I belonged. I flitted from group to group. There were many times I ate by myself. Some of this was my own fault. I had no confidence in myself. I carried around way too much self doubt because of my past experiences. High school is where I found my truest friends. I loved my friends and I really began to blossom. I let my painful past help me to reach out to others. I tried to be kind to everyone I encountered. I still struggled with my self-esteem, and I was not perfect at reaching out, but I really did try. Growing up is hard for everyone. We all have painful pasts that made us who we are today. We all have things we regret doing, but this is what shapes us. We, myself included, need to be kinder to ourselves. Let go of those sad memories. Let them enhance you and make you better. I do not feel sorry for myself because these things helped me to become a more compassionate, and loving person. I never wanted to treat anyone the way I was treated. I knew how it felt, and I wanted to reach out to others who suffered as well. At a very young age this was instilled in me. I am grateful that these trials made me a better person. So now as an adult I realize that I am a good person. That I need to love all of who I am, not just the good things about me, but the bad too. Fix the bad, but don't beat yourself up. Give yourself compliments and praise. Gain the confidence that you need to succeed. I am still trying to do these things myself. It is an easy thing to say, but a much harder thing to achieve. I know that I can grow to love all of me. I hope that you can too. I believe that this mentality is what will help me to achieve my weight loss goals, and the goal of loving me for me. Let's do this thing! We are going to succeed! :)