Vices

I didn't get my bike ride in, and I ate some birthday cake! So naughty. Can I tell you how hard it is to change your lifestyle. What I don't understand is how I can get off of a Phentanyl patch cold turkey, BUT I can't seem to stop my bad eating habits. Ahhh! So hard... For those of you who are wondering... After my gallbladder accident, the pain was intolerable. I tried many other ways to help control my pain, but there was no other options. My doctors recommended a pain patch. This would be better than taking pills. It would help cause I had a small steady stream and I wouldn't have problems with popping pills. I was grateful for this because on top of everything else I didn't need a drug addiction too! My husband and I decided that this would be a temporary thing till I could find a better way to help with my pain. My hubby was going to school full-time and working full-time as well. I had two little kids at home that needed their Mommy. So we felt that this would help me function. The pain was ever constant and pretty much incapacitated me. I needed some help. At first this was such a benefit. It truly helped. Because of the constant stream, I never really felt a high or a crash. I had to change my patch every three days. On the third day I felt pretty crappy till I was able to change the patch. So for a while this was what we felt was a great blessing. Eventually I developed a tolerance to the medicine and needed to strengthen the dose. This happened a couple of times throughout the year, but it was helping so my doctor, my husband, and I felt this was the course of action we should take. I began to change a lot in my personality. I was tired all the time due to the dose of medicine. I remember one day I went to the doctor because I had not been able to find anything else to help with the damage from my accident. He told me that I would probably have to stay on the patch for many years. I asked him about my tolerance and he told me that I might want to consider a morphine pump! Say whaaaaa....? I came home after the news and saw my husband Mike and my two darling friends sitting on the grass talking. I ran into Mike's arms and completely fell apart. I sobbed in his arms. After I gained my composure, I told the three of them what the doctor had told me. I knew that I could not continue down this path. I had changed so much, and the drugs were never going to be a permanent thing. What was I gonna do? I could not stand the toll they were taking on me, but the pain...the crazy ridiculous pain... I continued on the patch for a short time, and actually decreased the dose. I told my doctor that staying on these things permanently was not on option. We talked about a weaning process. I decided that I would try to wean. All in all I was on the pain patch for three years. My pain had not really improved, but I couldn't handle the toll they were taking on me and my family. I was going to have to learn to use my "brain power", to help me with my pain. I went into the hospital to go off the medicine cold turkey... WOW! This was the worst experience ever. I had no idea how awful detoxing was. I was such a naive little thing. I had never done drugs or drank or anything of the sort. The first days of my detox were the worst. I had uncontrollable shakes, I felt every inch of my body waking up. My skin was extremely irritated and sensitive. I felt every single cell in my body reacting to the horrible withdrawal. I was sweating, no appetite, sleeping was very difficult, my heart raced and pounded, I had stomach and bowel issues... My muscles and bones hurt intensely, and I could not bear the darkness in my head. It feels like the worst flu bug you can imagine. I wanted to die or give up, but I held on. My Heavenly Father, my husband, my family, my friends, and the hospital staff were an amazing support. After a week I got to come home! I had made it! I had the most amazing experience and had gained a new respect for those who struggle with addiction. I now understood the vice that these drugs had, and how hard they were to get off them. They compare Phentanyl to a type of heroine. So you can imagine how hard this was. Somehow with God's sweet grace I made it through. I am ever grateful for my experience and all that I learned, especially about myself. As time went on my anxiety and depression went away. I was going to therapy to help learn how to manage my pain with my mind. I was doing it. Eventually after about six weeks I began to feel like my old self again. I felt like the dark clouds had lifted and I could see and feel the sunshine again. The fog had lifted. My pain was ever present, but I felt so much better being off those drugs! I have learned with amazement that anything is possible! I had an amazing support system. I am so grateful for those around me that were my strength through the hard times. I found ways to help my chronic pain, and am still working on this challenge, but I am faring very well. Now...I need to get control of my health and weight. So how can I come off of a strong drug so successfully, but not be able to keep the weight off? This is my dilemma I am finding myself in. I am obviously a determined gal, so why can't I do this? Why is this the one thing I can't do? I am on a path of discovering the answer to this problem. Meanwhile, I am discouraged that I wasn't able to stick my seemingly easy goal. Well today is a new day, and I am gonna try again. I will remain positive... I can do this! I am going to succeed! :)