Finding the Strength

Today I am starting over again... For quite some time now I have struggled with my weight going up and down on the scale. I can't tell you how many times I have lost 30 lbs. only to gain it back. College was really when my weight started going up and down. I had endometriosis and had to take birth control pills. Ugh, can you imagine being crazed and then starting birth control... Plus, I was a Theater Major and was either in a play or helping with one. Rehearsals would go into the late night hours. The theater gang then went to dinner in the wee hours of the early morning. I was a poor college student and did not have the time nor the money to prepare a good meal. I lived off of fast food and Ramen. Not the greatest diet, I admit. You would think I would have been starving, but somehow with my lifestyle and eating habits the weight crept on. I would go home for the summer and my Mom and I would eat healthy and exercise. So I would drop off quite a bit of weight. When I got married I was overweight, but I thought I felt and looked pretty good. Well I got pregnant right away, and I thought whatever I gained would be "Pregnancy Weight". Ha ha ha! I gained a whopping 64 lbs. I ended up having an 11 pound baby... Wow! I know! I had a C-section...no way was he coming out any other way. I managed to lose over 50 lbs. in two weeks after having my first baby. I carried a lot of water apparently. Slowly though the weight crept on again. By the time I had my second child I managed to only gain 30 lbs., and quickly lost the baby weight as well. I still kinda went up and down till my baby was one years old. I then had the misfortune of having to get my gallbladder out. To make a long story short: The doctor had cut a bile duct and we were not aware of this till one week after surgery. I ended up in the E.R. in the most horrific pain of my life. They did emergency surgery and discovered the bile. I had many complications and another emergency surgery. This left me very scarred physically and mentally, and ended up with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I had multiple health problems after this. I later found out that I had developed Interstitial Cystitis (a bladder problem). I developed Ulcerative Colitis, and they found a hiatal hernia. I found out that my kidney's had begun to calcify. I had terrible chronic pain in my upper abdomen. I developed wicked anxiety and depression. I had spine and neck problems due to my many surgeries. Last but not least, I found out that my uterus was in extremely bad shape, and needed to come out immediately. So no more children. This was devastating for me. I love kids and am very grateful for the two adorable sweet boys I was able to have, but my heart ached though for the children I would not have. Before I had my second baby I had three miscarriages. I had to have a surgery with one of the miscarriages. This was very hard on my husband and me. So finding out that I had to have a hysterectomy was difficult to say the least. All of this went on over the space of four years with me being bedridden for most of it. How could I even absorb all that was happening to me, much less try and have a normal life. I am very close to developing Diabetes type 2 now so I cannot afford to have any more health problems if I can help it. So here I am at 32 years old realizing that I no longer recognize myself in the mirror. I look through my blue eyes and see traces of the old me left behind under way too much stress, and a very different body. I have slowly started to be able to become active again. I am hoping that I can loose the weight that I need to so that I can help my health where I can. So much I cannot control, but I need so much to get control of my weight so I do not develop any more problems. I do not tell my story to gain sympathy, but to gain knowledge and power over my difficulties. Only hoping that I can gain strength in numbers. Also that I may reach out to others who struggle and help them in their heartaches. So here I go with this goal, hoping that blogging this helps me. I am ready to find myself again.