Vacation

The last few days my family has been on vacation in Washington. I have enjoyed this so much! The beach has been amazing, the views are breathtaking, the ocean air is refreshing, relaxing has been wonderful. I am in love with the coast. We have had an amazing time so far. I can't wait to see all that there is to offer on the rest of our journey. As far as staying healthy goes, I am impressed with my ability to control myself. I have done very well. I have had to eat a few unhealthy things, but I only ate a little. The rest of the time, I packed healthy foods and have stuck to it! Plus all the exercise I am getting by all the walking, hiking, and such has been very good for me. I am happy with my results thus far. I will post pictures of the amazing pictures we have taken! It's so beautiful out here. :)

Moderation in all Things!

The past couple of days I have managed to stick to my weight loss goals! I am feeling so good about this. Writing all of this down, and sharing my experience has been so helpful. I think that writing a journal about my daily events has made everything real. I am forced to really think about my decisions a lot more. It puts it out there and I am not able to rationalize this away. Now keep in mind that I always do very good at first as I am sure you all can relate. It is the events that come up is what through me back into my bad habits. So the real test for me is how will I handle the situation when it comes. I have every good intention of keeping to my goals. We shall see, but I am going to stay dedicated and positive. I am pumping myself with good thinking. Like last night, we have been moving, so we had no dishes, etc.. We ate pizza and I ate way too much... BUT, I did not beat myself up whatsoever. Now I know I can't afford to do this all the time. Instead of feeling like a failure, I gave myself props for sticking to my guns all day long. I had one naughty meal, and it is right back to being good the next meal. No feeling bad, no beating myself up, and continuing with my goals. While I was thinking about my pizza blunder I decided that I will make a new goal. The next time I eat something naughty I will make it a point to not overeat. Just have a small portion of the naughty tempter. Enjoy it, then stop!  I think the reason I end up over eating is because I am constantly trying to lose weight, and I start thinking I am never gonna have or do this again so I better enjoy and eat to my heart's content. In the words of my cute little niece...."Bad, bad, bad!" She shakes her cute little finger as she says this. If I do eat something I shouldn't I am not gonna do a "Bad, bad, bad", I am gonna remind myself that if I am breaking I am going to NOT overeat, just have a little of the treat. I will tell myself that I am entitled to a LITTLE bit. I have tried both staying completely away from all bad foods never allowing myself to cheat, and eating bad foods here and there while overeating them. So I am gonna try being very good as much as possible with a few exceptions, but only allowing myself small portions of the food I am indulging in. I am going to teach myself discipline. Just because I can doesn't mean I should. Just because I am cheating (here and there) doesn't mean I can go crazy when I do. Wait for the next time to enjoy my treat. Moderation in all things! :)

New Beginnings

I went over to our new house and cleaned so we can move in this weekend. I am excited because this was quite the workout: sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, cleaning four toilets (yuck), and cleaning out the much bigger kitchen. I think I burned quite a few calories.. hee hee! It felt so good. Also, I was able to eat healthy and in smaller proportions. Staying busy is a great way to not eat my sorrows away. I have become quite an emotional eater. It is when I am sick and not mobile that this really begins to cause problems for my emotional eating, and also my mentality of it all. I have way too much time to sit and dwell on the things I shouldn't. For a long time I have been limited in what activity I was able to do, making me feel very frustrated. When you can't do normal things it can be very discouraging. I had no idea how nice it was to be able to do the everyday things until I could no longer do them. I don't take those things for granted anymore. Even though I hate cleaning toilets.... I am grateful that I can now. Especially because I have two little boys.... Need I say more? We are very excited for this new adventure in our lives. I am so excited to be in a house! Yay! My kids are hilarious about what brings them joy about the house. Yesterday they were laying down on the family room floor (with plush carpet), and they rolled all over their new space laughing. They are so delighted about the room we now have, and I am so excited for them. Things are good, and I absolutely embrace them. :)

We are Who We Choose to Be!

Happy day! I achieved my goals yesterday! I am proud of myself. Just had to give myself a shout out! I am learning that I beat myself up a lot. This doesn't help me it only makes me discouraged, and then I end up doing the things I swear I won't ever do again. I am learning that giving myself a compliment does not mean that I am conceited. I have never wanted to be a conceited person, but conceited and confident are two very different things. Sometimes I am confident in many ways. Other times I am so bad at saying the most shocking things to myself. I realize that this is a horrible cycle and a trap! I will never succeed if I continue thinking this way. I need to love myself. I love so many others, why is this so hard for me to do for myself? I have had a lifetime of sadness on how others have treated me, and I have let what they think about me be the way I think about me. My first traumatic experience happened for me at three years of age. I was severely tormented by the neighborhood twelve year old twins. They were very mean bullies. I cannot share with you what they did to me for it is far too personal, but I will tell you it was so traumatic for me that I blacked it out of my memory. I was in sixth grade when it came flooding back. Blech! In grade school kids were very mean to me. I had very little friends. The kids did and said horrible things to me. I remember one day after a sad happening, I walked the playground wondering why these awful things were happening to me? What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I be pretty, and popular? Why didn't anyone think I was of worth? What I know realize is that I did have worth, and that I was a beautiful little girl. Grade school was a very hard time for me, and my self-esteem plummeted. There were times that a group of kids would take turns beating me. They would white-wash me, push snow down my snowsuit, and whip me with hanger wires. Sometimes girls would leave a beautiful present for me and when I opened it, I found it was a disguise for a nasty prank....dog poop. My heart ached, and I could not comprehend why these things happened to me. I didn't understand that people are mean, people can be cruel, but I did not have to base my self worth on what they thought of me or did to me. I only wish I had known that when I was young. This is what I want to stress to the young people of this world. That these things are a part of life, and we are who we choose to be. We are of worth and of value no matter what anyone thinks, says, or does. I found strength in my family, my brothers, my sisters, and my cousins. They were the ones that I had the happy memories of childhood with. I am very lucky to have an amazing family. My little life was not always so tragic, I had good times too, but these experiences did take an enormous toll on me. This is where my self-esteem was formed. These are my first feelings of self loathing. In Junior High my situation improved a little, I had made some friends, but I never really felt like I belonged. I flitted from group to group. There were many times I ate by myself. Some of this was my own fault. I had no confidence in myself. I carried around way too much self doubt because of my past experiences. High school is where I found my truest friends. I loved my friends and I really began to blossom. I let my painful past help me to reach out to others. I tried to be kind to everyone I encountered. I still struggled with my self-esteem, and I was not perfect at reaching out, but I really did try. Growing up is hard for everyone. We all have painful pasts that made us who we are today. We all have things we regret doing, but this is what shapes us. We, myself included, need to be kinder to ourselves. Let go of those sad memories. Let them enhance you and make you better. I do not feel sorry for myself because these things helped me to become a more compassionate, and loving person. I never wanted to treat anyone the way I was treated. I knew how it felt, and I wanted to reach out to others who suffered as well. At a very young age this was instilled in me. I am grateful that these trials made me a better person. So now as an adult I realize that I am a good person. That I need to love all of who I am, not just the good things about me, but the bad too. Fix the bad, but don't beat yourself up. Give yourself compliments and praise. Gain the confidence that you need to succeed. I am still trying to do these things myself. It is an easy thing to say, but a much harder thing to achieve. I know that I can grow to love all of me. I hope that you can too. I believe that this mentality is what will help me to achieve my weight loss goals, and the goal of loving me for me. Let's do this thing! We are going to succeed! :)

Vices

I didn't get my bike ride in, and I ate some birthday cake! So naughty. Can I tell you how hard it is to change your lifestyle. What I don't understand is how I can get off of a Phentanyl patch cold turkey, BUT I can't seem to stop my bad eating habits. Ahhh! So hard... For those of you who are wondering... After my gallbladder accident, the pain was intolerable. I tried many other ways to help control my pain, but there was no other options. My doctors recommended a pain patch. This would be better than taking pills. It would help cause I had a small steady stream and I wouldn't have problems with popping pills. I was grateful for this because on top of everything else I didn't need a drug addiction too! My husband and I decided that this would be a temporary thing till I could find a better way to help with my pain. My hubby was going to school full-time and working full-time as well. I had two little kids at home that needed their Mommy. So we felt that this would help me function. The pain was ever constant and pretty much incapacitated me. I needed some help. At first this was such a benefit. It truly helped. Because of the constant stream, I never really felt a high or a crash. I had to change my patch every three days. On the third day I felt pretty crappy till I was able to change the patch. So for a while this was what we felt was a great blessing. Eventually I developed a tolerance to the medicine and needed to strengthen the dose. This happened a couple of times throughout the year, but it was helping so my doctor, my husband, and I felt this was the course of action we should take. I began to change a lot in my personality. I was tired all the time due to the dose of medicine. I remember one day I went to the doctor because I had not been able to find anything else to help with the damage from my accident. He told me that I would probably have to stay on the patch for many years. I asked him about my tolerance and he told me that I might want to consider a morphine pump! Say whaaaaa....? I came home after the news and saw my husband Mike and my two darling friends sitting on the grass talking. I ran into Mike's arms and completely fell apart. I sobbed in his arms. After I gained my composure, I told the three of them what the doctor had told me. I knew that I could not continue down this path. I had changed so much, and the drugs were never going to be a permanent thing. What was I gonna do? I could not stand the toll they were taking on me, but the pain...the crazy ridiculous pain... I continued on the patch for a short time, and actually decreased the dose. I told my doctor that staying on these things permanently was not on option. We talked about a weaning process. I decided that I would try to wean. All in all I was on the pain patch for three years. My pain had not really improved, but I couldn't handle the toll they were taking on me and my family. I was going to have to learn to use my "brain power", to help me with my pain. I went into the hospital to go off the medicine cold turkey... WOW! This was the worst experience ever. I had no idea how awful detoxing was. I was such a naive little thing. I had never done drugs or drank or anything of the sort. The first days of my detox were the worst. I had uncontrollable shakes, I felt every inch of my body waking up. My skin was extremely irritated and sensitive. I felt every single cell in my body reacting to the horrible withdrawal. I was sweating, no appetite, sleeping was very difficult, my heart raced and pounded, I had stomach and bowel issues... My muscles and bones hurt intensely, and I could not bear the darkness in my head. It feels like the worst flu bug you can imagine. I wanted to die or give up, but I held on. My Heavenly Father, my husband, my family, my friends, and the hospital staff were an amazing support. After a week I got to come home! I had made it! I had the most amazing experience and had gained a new respect for those who struggle with addiction. I now understood the vice that these drugs had, and how hard they were to get off them. They compare Phentanyl to a type of heroine. So you can imagine how hard this was. Somehow with God's sweet grace I made it through. I am ever grateful for my experience and all that I learned, especially about myself. As time went on my anxiety and depression went away. I was going to therapy to help learn how to manage my pain with my mind. I was doing it. Eventually after about six weeks I began to feel like my old self again. I felt like the dark clouds had lifted and I could see and feel the sunshine again. The fog had lifted. My pain was ever present, but I felt so much better being off those drugs! I have learned with amazement that anything is possible! I had an amazing support system. I am so grateful for those around me that were my strength through the hard times. I found ways to help my chronic pain, and am still working on this challenge, but I am faring very well. Now...I need to get control of my health and weight. So how can I come off of a strong drug so successfully, but not be able to keep the weight off? This is my dilemma I am finding myself in. I am obviously a determined gal, so why can't I do this? Why is this the one thing I can't do? I am on a path of discovering the answer to this problem. Meanwhile, I am discouraged that I wasn't able to stick my seemingly easy goal. Well today is a new day, and I am gonna try again. I will remain positive... I can do this! I am going to succeed! :)  

Transformations

So this is me at eighteen.

This is me at thirty-two.

Yikes! Pictures of my changing self. Here is a visual of my transformation. Scary..huh? For me anyway. This is not an easy thing to show I have to say, but I am done hiding. I am ready to break away from my shell I have created. I have accepted that I will never have that eighteen year old body again, BUT... I am determined to be a better, healthier, me. I want to feel beautiful again. I am done loathing myself for what I have let myself become. It is time to love myself, and accept myself. I hope to soon post before and after picks of my new transformation...

Starting Over Yet Again

My Awesome Cruiser :)

So today is the day! I am gonna go exercise! Most things like walking for a long distance...etc.. Are quite painful for me, but I found that riding a bike is a great way to get the exercise that I need and it does not cause or trigger my pain! My hubby got me a Cruiser bike for Mothers Day. He is such a sweetie! I love riding this thing. I need to go grocery shopping, and buy me some healthier choices of food. I am starting out slow so that I don't burn myself out. I always do really good at first then I end up getting a kidney infection or something fun like that. It  throws me out of the swing of things. My immune system is struggling so I catch everything under the sun. I had pneumonia twice this winter. I am not complaining, I have gotten accustomed to my health challenges. It is frustrating however, but I have accepted my fate. So I end up eating good and exercising...than something happens..duh..duh..duh! I am gonna get up the courage to start over yet again. Today my goal is to go on a bike ride with my little ones, and go shopping for groceries. I have hope on my side. These are my two goals for today... Wish me luck! I am gonna succeed (my new motto)! :)

Finding the Strength

Today I am starting over again... For quite some time now I have struggled with my weight going up and down on the scale. I can't tell you how many times I have lost 30 lbs. only to gain it back. College was really when my weight started going up and down. I had endometriosis and had to take birth control pills. Ugh, can you imagine being crazed and then starting birth control... Plus, I was a Theater Major and was either in a play or helping with one. Rehearsals would go into the late night hours. The theater gang then went to dinner in the wee hours of the early morning. I was a poor college student and did not have the time nor the money to prepare a good meal. I lived off of fast food and Ramen. Not the greatest diet, I admit. You would think I would have been starving, but somehow with my lifestyle and eating habits the weight crept on. I would go home for the summer and my Mom and I would eat healthy and exercise. So I would drop off quite a bit of weight. When I got married I was overweight, but I thought I felt and looked pretty good. Well I got pregnant right away, and I thought whatever I gained would be "Pregnancy Weight". Ha ha ha! I gained a whopping 64 lbs. I ended up having an 11 pound baby... Wow! I know! I had a C-section...no way was he coming out any other way. I managed to lose over 50 lbs. in two weeks after having my first baby. I carried a lot of water apparently. Slowly though the weight crept on again. By the time I had my second child I managed to only gain 30 lbs., and quickly lost the baby weight as well. I still kinda went up and down till my baby was one years old. I then had the misfortune of having to get my gallbladder out. To make a long story short: The doctor had cut a bile duct and we were not aware of this till one week after surgery. I ended up in the E.R. in the most horrific pain of my life. They did emergency surgery and discovered the bile. I had many complications and another emergency surgery. This left me very scarred physically and mentally, and ended up with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I had multiple health problems after this. I later found out that I had developed Interstitial Cystitis (a bladder problem). I developed Ulcerative Colitis, and they found a hiatal hernia. I found out that my kidney's had begun to calcify. I had terrible chronic pain in my upper abdomen. I developed wicked anxiety and depression. I had spine and neck problems due to my many surgeries. Last but not least, I found out that my uterus was in extremely bad shape, and needed to come out immediately. So no more children. This was devastating for me. I love kids and am very grateful for the two adorable sweet boys I was able to have, but my heart ached though for the children I would not have. Before I had my second baby I had three miscarriages. I had to have a surgery with one of the miscarriages. This was very hard on my husband and me. So finding out that I had to have a hysterectomy was difficult to say the least. All of this went on over the space of four years with me being bedridden for most of it. How could I even absorb all that was happening to me, much less try and have a normal life. I am very close to developing Diabetes type 2 now so I cannot afford to have any more health problems if I can help it. So here I am at 32 years old realizing that I no longer recognize myself in the mirror. I look through my blue eyes and see traces of the old me left behind under way too much stress, and a very different body. I have slowly started to be able to become active again. I am hoping that I can loose the weight that I need to so that I can help my health where I can. So much I cannot control, but I need so much to get control of my weight so I do not develop any more problems. I do not tell my story to gain sympathy, but to gain knowledge and power over my difficulties. Only hoping that I can gain strength in numbers. Also that I may reach out to others who struggle and help them in their heartaches. So here I go with this goal, hoping that blogging this helps me. I am ready to find myself again.