Discouraged

So this is me with a friend at a get together. I had spent so much time picking out the perfect stylish outfit, trendy jewelry, the right shoes, all the right little things together so I could look perfect for the evening. My hair was cut, colored, and styled just for the occasion. Some of the people at the party I had not seen in over 9 years. I know that I had put on weight and I was self-conscious about it, but I thought I looked pretty good. Well we took pictures and after the party I  looked through the pictures and cried. I did not look even slightly how I had imagined myself. How is it one day I can look in the mirror and feel that I look pretty decent and other times I look in the mirror or a picture and feel I look horrible. I realize I am overweight I am not in denial about this, but sometimes in my head, I think I see myself in the way I used to look. Then when presented with a picture, a mirror, or reflection I am reminded of what I have become. Other times I feel so bad at how I look that I see myself double or triple what I am. I am so tired of these mind tricks. I can tell that I have a pretty face and I really love my eyes, but they get lost in the fat on my face. I want my features to be what people notice, not the fat and then the possibility of beautiful features if I could just lose some weight. I want to know what I would look like with a tight trim and toned little body, with a pretty face and hair to match. I remember what I used to look like when I was younger, but then I was too self-conscious to notice how beautiful I really was. Now I have the realization, but not the figure to match. Now though I have grown up and have matured physically, and I bet I would look all that much nicer, if only I could lose the weight. I want to do this before I get older and it is too hard to keep the weight off, and the wrinkles set in. No matter how much I want this I just can't seem to get this. The past week has been hard to keep my goal to lose weight and become a more healthier me. I really want this, so I continue to try. Making and setting the goal to remain positive and steadfast. I must continue on.... Definitely in need of some encouragement.....   

The Great Outdoors

We are taking the kids camping this weekend for one last camping trip of the summer. I can't believe how fast this summer has flown by. The weather has really only just begun to be summer weather, so even that feels like summer should just be starting not coming to an end. What can ya do? I love camping. Getting into nature is such a great way to relax. It is so peaceful in the woods. I love going exploring, and seeing all the beauty around me. There is so much to offer outdoors. My boys are so excited to go fishing, this is actually the first time we have even had a chance to take them this summer. I am so glad my kids love to go camping getting a chance to be in the great outdoors. It is a great way to spend time together. Getting them away from technology, and letting them actually use their imagination that kids are so greatly blessed with. Sometimes you just need an escape from the world and all it's hustle and bustle. I have prepared healthy alternatives for myself so that I can stick with my "lifestyle change". I find that when I am prepared I have an easier time sticking to my goals of eating healthy. Usually in the past, I do really well at home and then we go somewhere. Like camping, visiting family or friends, vacationing, etc... That is what seems to get me off track. So I have discovered if I am prepared with what I need to be healthy, I stick to it so much easier. There is the occasional time when there isn't much you can do, so I just try to only have small proportions of those foods. Sometimes this works and sometimes I give in finding myself overeating. I have mentally prepared myself to be good so we will see how it goes. Here is what I keep telling myself, "I am going to succeed! No matter what happens I will remain positive and not beat myself up. I am determined to be active, enjoy myself, enjoy my family, and eat healthy." :)

A Better Day

Last night I broke down.... I cried myself to sleep. I have been really struggling with not being able to have any more kids. I had a dream that I was pregnant, and the feelings I had were so strong. I really thought I was for a minute, then I remembered that I can't and I became so sad. I really am so grateful for my darlings and that I even got the chance to be pregnant. There is something inside me that aches though. I have been really wanting another baby. I don't know that I could adopt because I have so many health problems, and I need to be a mother to the children I have. I guess sometimes I just need to mourn my loss and then move forward. Lately I have been worried about my health. I have had headaches every day for some time now. Sometimes they are really bad, other days they are just semi-annoying. I also have been getting vertigo when I move my head. More so while I am laying down. I am hoping that it is something minor and that can be fixed. I never worried about health issues till my accident. Ever since then I worry that I will have to go through something awful like that again. Needless to say, I have been under a lot of stress lately. I think that may be why I gave in to pie the other day. I needed a release I think, but I don't want to use food as an escape. I guess it is good I recognize that. Now I can see that when I am feeling stressed or sad, I can turn to something healthy instead. I realize that I need to focus on good, positive, and healthy things. When I am sad, I need to mourn but then quickly move forward. I know that I have a tendency to get stuck on unhealthy thoughts. I recognize this about myself, and I am working on staying focused on the good and healthy. I am determined to have a better day! :)

To Hard Days

Why is it that every time I start to lose weight and right before I weigh-in, I sabotage my results? I have a weigh-in tomorrow and I gave into banana cream pie! I know that I have been doing so good this week and passing up other things so on the very evening before, I give in? There has to be some kind of explanation for this mystery because I do it all the time. I am okay about giving in sometimes, but I can't figure out why I end up sabotaging myself? I do this for other things like when I am going to be seeing family or friends that I haven't seen in a while. Why do I break right before this. I am thinking it might be something psychological. Although I have no clue to what it means. So now I am starting to fit into things I could not previously, and this is very exciting for me. I know that it is crucial for me to lose weight if I am gonna succeed in not developing Diabetes. I have every desire to look and feel better. I want this so much, so why do I give in. I know that it is hard to resist good things, but most of the time this is not a problem. I know that every now and then we all seem to give in. I have been sick for so long you would think I would not want to become sick and that the very thought of it will keep me from cheating. I guess it is one of those things that we think, "It won't happen to me," kind of scenario's. I am determined to be healthy. I have to stay positive. No beating myself up! I can do this. I truly want to help others, and I am not even sure if this is helping anyone but me. I guess helping yourself is good enough. This blog may just be a journal for myself, but I am hoping maybe by putting myself out there that I can really achieve my goals. Writing it down seems to really be making a difference. If I am making a difference in just one person it makes it worth it. I do hope that the things that I share, my personal experiences, can help someone. Even if that someone is me... :)   

Maintaining my Goals (Oregon Coast Vacation)

Horsetail Falls

Oregon Coast

Amazing waves :)

Awe the beautiful Oregon Coast! I absolutely loved this vacation! We had a wonderful time. I love spending time with my family, and I love traveling. I was amazed by all the beautiful things we got to see while exploring the coast. Every day was an adventure, and my kids loved it. I also really love eating out and trying new restaurants. This can be a real problem for me because all of the naughty temptations that are out there. I managed to stick to my goals! I did enjoy a few things that got the better of me, but for the most part I did what I had set out to do. When I came home I weighed myself and I gained nothing! Wahoo! I maintained, which is exactly what I wanted. I knew that it would be difficult to lose so I just tried to do my best to maintain. I am very happy with my results! So now I am back home and I am working on being more healthy. That is eating healthy and getting good exercise. So far so good. I want so much to feel and look better. I have never been able to go on vacation before and not gain weight. I am feeling very happy to be able to do this goal successfully. It is a first, and I hope to be able to continue on any future events. I really want to accomplish my weight loss goals! Wish me luck...