Fear

How many of us have become crippled by fear. I have over the span of five years become completely incapacitated by my fear of pain. Any pain I endured since that time has been extremely hard to cope with. I share much about my accident, and it is my hope that you can have patience in listening one more time. Over the years I have gained much insight on my process of healing. Becoming my own advocate researching all aspects of the damage and the steps to healing. For years I have been terrified of having something like my accident and the pain I endured happen again. I have been so afraid. I knew in my heart that fear doesn't come from God. I knew that I needed to trust in him, but in the midst of my pain I asked him to take it away that it was too much to bear. My answer was loud in my ear. No. I couldn't understand, but because of my strong faith at the time, I asked him to help me through it then. I didn't know how to give it to the Lord. All my fears, pain, emotions, anxiety, and depression. As my trauma grew, my faith decreased. I was shaken to the core by this experience, and although I loved my Heavenly Father, I never had been tested so strongly to where I felt my faith was dwindling. I knew that there were things I could do to increase my faith, and to grow close to my Heavenly Father, but I realized I was angry that he had let me go through something so horrible. It was affecting everyone around me. My husband was stressed to complete end. My kids were suffering. I wanted for this to be over and taken from me and I didn't help myself. After time I accepted that this was something that would eventually make me stronger that I could learn to cope. I had to accept what the Lord had in mind for me, not what I had in mind. As long as I continued to fight or find a way to change things I was only making it harder on myself. Now keep in mind that this was a long process that spanned over five years. It took a long time to go through all the steps of grief: Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining, and Acceptance. I am still healing but have come to the acceptance phase of my healing. In accepting the Lord's will I have begun to really heal from this ordeal. I recently had a surgery, one that wasn't necessary, but eventually would be. I had an incision that broke open and healed very wrong. My Doctor told me that it could herniate and I didn't want to go through one more thing when all I had to do was repair it. It was an easy repair and fairly non-invasive. So along with the pain and discomfort with it, as well as it was hideous, I didn't want to deal with a hernia too. I decided because I had reached my deductible it would be a free endeavor. As the surgery came ever nearer to me I began to become distressed with my PTSD symptoms. The evening prior was a nightmare. The following morning worse. I was a mess. When my husband and I were in the elevator I put my head softly on the elevator wall and asked why I was doing this? It wasn't an emergency? Why was I putting myself through this? He told me to be strong and that it would be better to get it done than to leave it. So many memories flooded my mind. It was the same time of year as my accident, the sounds, the smells. As the nurse took my blood pressure she looked at me with concern and asked if I was in pain. My blood pressure was 160/100, and my heart rate was 150 or so beats per minute. I told her that I had PTSD and that I would be okay. They did everything to make me comfortable. Suddenly it hit me with great clarity. I needed to go through this because I was facing my fear. That if I was truly going to begin to heal and no longer prolong my healing I had to face my fear. That as horrible as my ordeal was it would soon pass. That in the end because I faced my fear I would gain control of my fear that it would no longer control me. I was excited for this idea. My pain was intense after the surgery, but for the first time in years, I was calm and in control and did my best to help myself. I was no longer afraid. It felt amazing! I was so excited that after five years of hell, I was free! Now keep in mind my health trial have not changed, but my outlook changed. I was beginning to heal. Healing doesn't happen over night, but it can happen swiftly. I can begin to heal finally, and I am not afraid. If I had not done this surgery, and listened to my Savior. I would have run from this and prolonged my healing. I am so happy that this experience has made me better. I am stronger. I can help others' as I have compassion and empathy. I am so grateful that I had the strength to endure, that my Heavenly Father helped me through this. If we fight what he has in store from us, we only make things harder. He is our Father, he loves us, and knows us. He knows what is best for us, better that we know for ourselves. Just as we love our children, we know what is best for them and we are to guide them. He is the same. This is what I have learned. I am grateful to have gained this knowledge and experience. I hope to pass on these things. Accept what you must, let go of the idea that we have control our control over things is limited, endure till the end it too shall pass, gain strength through our Savior, gain strength from family and friends, remain positive, and do not fear, replace fear with faith.

How Do I Let Go?

How come it is so difficult to see something that is right in front of your face? So often I find myself not being able to see the solution to my problem that is right there and has been there right before me. I am sure that there are others' out there that could tell me what I need to do, and that it is easy for them to see what I need to do. When it is your problem that you are trying to solve it is much more difficult to see what you need to do. It is all that much harder to actually do the actions that are necessary, and do I have the courage to face them? I have been struggling with my health for the past five years. I have searched over and over with no solution to fix what happened to me. I have been from Doctor to Doctor. Ever since my accident I have been lost in emotional and physical pain. The accident was the match that started many of the health(fires) I have endured. I have been in therapy ever since. I have become my own advocate, researching all I can on how to help myself. It has at times made me more paranoid, but in so many ways it has helped me move forward. Gaining all the pieces to my puzzle. Yet I still continue to struggle moving forward. I have gone through all the steps of the healing process, with the acceptance phase being the last step, and that is where I am right now. I believe that I still have a way to go, but I will get there. I try with all my might to release the emotions that are locked up inside of me. I am not sure why this is so difficult? It has been a very hard and long road. I have much that I need to let go of, but everything reminds me of the trauma I suffered. Smells, sounds, nightmares, flashbacks, all kinds of things affect me. How does one move forward when every illness, when everything reminds you of the suffering? It takes you back and suffocates you constantly? How do I give it to the Lord? I know that these things take time and patience. I don't expect it to go away over night. I know that I will never be the same. I know that I will always have this experience and pain with me, but I want to get to a place where I have only the scar that remains. A reminder, but only that. I am not sure that when one suffers a horrible traumatic event, they ever really get over it. I do believe that they can learn how to cope with it though. That healing and coping comes from the Lord. We have to understand that that is the very reason why Christ suffered what he suffered. He did it so that he would understand us, so that he knew what we were going through. So we wouldn't have to suffer like him. I know all of these things with depth of my heart. It is quite another thing though to put it into practice. I pray with all my heart that I can become what it is the Lord is trying to mold me into. It is my prayer that we all can be like Christ, and to reach our true potential. That we will turn to him in our darkest hour. That we can turn to him and not make our trials harder on ourselves. I know that trials are necessary to make us better individuals, and without the Lord we cannot possibly get through them. I hope that I can continue learning how to give this trial I am going through to my Savior. That I can gain the insight that I need, and let this trial enhance instead of hurt me.

Another of my funny medical experiences!

Funny story. Yesterday I had a colonoscopy done. I have had one done before so I knew what to expect. This office does things a little differently though, as I was soon to find out. So there I was, up on the table in the procedure room with my cheese in the wind... and the sweet nurse rolls me over and  begins to tell me about the drugs she was going to be giving me. Thank heavens you get something beneficial out of it. I was relieved to be given them because my anxiety is always high in these type of situations. Especially because I was nervous about the results. As she administers the drugs, she informs me that they will be filling me with gas so they can get a better look at the bowel. I smiled goofily and mumbled okay. I didn't care what they did to me at this point. I was feeling good. My head became fuzzy, and I drifted off to sleep. When I awoke about fifteen minutes later my stomach hurt so much. As I became more coherent I told the nurse who was wheeling me into recovery that I was hurting. She said very kindly, "Remember I told you that we filled you with gas, so in order for you to feel better you need to pass gas."  She told me that every-time I felt pain I needed to push and let it out, that it was necessary to do this or you cannot relieve your pain, and it will make you sick. So I just tried to make the best of it, because it was really painful. Oh the humiliation! Not only was my Mother there with me, cause I could not drive home, but the recovery room was filled with nurses, doctors, and other patients. So again my tummy rumbled with terrible pain and pressure....FERVVVVT! Ah sweet relief! It was not long however, when the pain returned and I again needed to relieve myself. I wondered how long this was going to take? I was talking to my Mom, and as we were talking, I told her how embarrased I was farting in front of everybody. I tried so hard to talk over my rumbling guts, and the sound of the music I was creating. I tried to be discreet, but to no avail. The nurses looked unfazed as I know that they are used to this. I can't imagine going off to work everyday to the musical stylings of their patients instruments. How they must giggle, and have such tales to tell. I am sure they have some good ones. When all of the sudden, to my amusement didst hear, but another trumpeting from someone else's rear! All those people's cheeks a flapping and a slapping! I started to giggle and replied to my Mom, oh this is so funny! I figured at least we are all in this together. It will leave me with a great story to tell nonetheless. A hilarious picture entered my mind, (I will turn it into a story for your enjoyment).
I imagined all of us patients tucked up as we'd toot. All behind little curtains in the recovery room. All tossing and turning and being so bold, we did do exactly just what we were told. How not we should hold, breaking wind, one, two, three....as we did, we felt better, and our pain was set free. The curtains blew out every minute or two, some were green and some were blue. They'd blow back and forth, and they'd go to and fro, like a rippling ribbon someone had just flown. The curtains looked as if they had been punched with a gust, when what to our ears, a patient did bust! One by one, here and there, a painful affair. For some of these patients, so deep their despair. A patient would sigh, for relief they did seek. Being free of the air, from their chest to their cheeks. Also was there, a small quiet giggle, from the people by the bedside, their loved ones they'd wiggle. Then the nurse she would come to the curtain she'd peek, her patient she'd ask, have you any wind between your cheeks? Those silly gowns oh how they did flow, from the patients' behinds came a terrible blow. We patients did suffer, we'd rock to and fro. The pain in our tummies, a perilous woe. While with each musical styling echoing throughout this room, the wind being made from a patient or two, makes the nurses hair blow back, from a most triumphant brood. It was a Musical definitely unlike any other, but it makes each of us laugh as we share it with another. At least it was my Mother, who sat there next to me, so that when the moment came to be, we'd laugh about my misery. My favorite part to my surprise, was that of another's powerful good-byes. A man on the other side of the room, let out a fart that I'd swear said BAROOM! I think even the stingiest a fellow, would smile to himself as the room began to mellow.
 Man this experience made me me laugh! Which of course helped little me, because of the vibrations from the laughing, it helped make me free!!!!! How nothing better to help deal with my woe, than the riotous sound of a gas passing blow!
Ah laughter, and making yourself laugh, when things are sad, bad, and just plain uncomfortable. Nothing in life helps you to deal with the troubles of life, then with the ability to laugh. I am grateful for my sense of humor, and I hope you enjoy this story, as much as I do. I hope it at least brings a smile to your face! :)

My Son's Courage

My sweet darling boy told me this morning through his tears that the kids at school had been making fun of him. They teased and tormented him for the shoes he had worn. It broke my heart. I then told him with all the love in my heart, that kids can be very cruel and they were mean to me in school as well, and that it was very hard to overcome. I told him that if I could go back and tell myself one thing it would be that it doesn't matter one bit what those kids thought, did, or said to me. I am of worth, and that the only thing that matters is what I think of myself. That this time will pass and to hold my head up high no matter what the obstacle. I told him lovingly that he had two options of how he could handle this. He could wear those shoes despite what the kids say and that if they make fun of him again that he should tell them that he doesn't care what they think, that he likes them, and that their opinion doesn't matter to him. Or he could wear some different shoes, but that either option he holds his head up high and if those kids tease him that he doesn't listen to what they say, that it doesn't change how he feels about himself. I told him that I supported whatever decision he made, and that I understood if he didn't want to wear those shoes. I told him that if I were him I would wear those shoes to spite the mean kids and not care what they thought. I left the decision to him. He looked up at me with his gorgeous blue eyes and a smile on his face. He picked up the shoes that the kids made fun of him for, and said that he was going to wear them, and that he was gonna hold his head high not caring what they thought. I told him that he didn't have to do this, and he told me, "No Mom, I am gonna do this no matter what happens". I grabbed him and gave him a great big hug. I told him that I was so proud of him. I told him that when the kids torment him that it is hard to not care what they think, but that he can persevere, that he should be friends with the other kids that get made fun of. That he should let this kind of situation make him a more compassionate and better person. He hugged me back and said, "I will". He smiled and walked out the door. I told him he was a great kid and that I loved him. He waved goodbye. It was so hard to send him out my door knowing that those kids would continue to pick on him, knowing that this was going to be a hard challenge for him. I just wanted to protect him from the hurt, but I knew that I can't interfere because these life lesson's made me a better person and that I needed to let him make the decision of who he was going to be with the hope that it would do the same for him. It is so hard to stand back when your child is in pain, it is so difficult to not want to shield them from all the pain out there. I would be doing him an injustice and he would not learn from these lessons if I protected him from them. It is so very difficult being a Mother loving your children the way you do and knowing that they will be hurt. I only hope that I can set the proper example for him and help him grow into a wonderful person. I love my kids with every fiber of my being and I would do anything for them. I hurt when they hurt. I feel their pain. I understand what they are going through. I will do my best to do right by them. I am so grateful to be their Mother and they bring me more joy than anything in this world or heaven. I hope that he can continue to have strength when they continue to hurt him. I am so proud of his courage. He is an amazing kid and I am so blessed to have him in my life.  

Tyger Whimsy-Photo Candy

Americana Theme

Peace Out

Sail Away

Buggin'

School Daze

Puff Puff Toot Toot

Princess for a Day

Polka Dot Pansy

I made these cute frames and they are way easy to make. All you do is take a wooden frame and modge podge on some scrapbook paper. I take wood cutouts and letters that I painted and added embellishments to, and then use wood glue to glue on the add-ons. Then you have yourself a cute personal frame! Super easy and super fun!

Examples

http://kareensjourneyhome.blogspot.com

Here is a link to a blog of a wonderful friend of mine who's someone trying to make a difference. What a profound example of charity she exudes. She is amazing and is really helping to bring people's attention to a good cause. Take a little time to read her story. It is beautiful.

Making a Difference

So many times in my life I have really wondered what more I could do to bring others love, laughter, and service. I am someone who always wants to help those around me. I love being service oriented. Being a good wife and a good mother is the ultimate priority to me. Giving service to my little family is the most important service I will ever do. I have a lot of health issues that somewhat prevent me from doing the things I desire so much to do. I am limited in those efforts, but I always strive to be better and do more, to push myself in these ways. I always have this longing to reach out to others though. To do more than just be a stay at home mom. A lot of times that is the reason I share such personal experiences with everyone because I feel that in sharing my painful and not so painful experiences is a way to help them, and it is a way for bonding, it is a way to strengthen our relationships. I feel that if it helps them get through their heartaches or whatever it is that they are struggling with, it is worth sharing those experiences. We learn so much from our own experiences and from others experiences as well. I truly believe that if we would just share more of what we have learned, and gone through, good and bad, we would all be better off. We would be more compassionate caring individuals. We need to not be afraid that someone will judge us. It helps to feel that we aren't alone and that someone has an idea of what we are going through. We need to understand that it is okay to let our guard down and show that we aren't without flaws, that we aren't perfect. To not be afraid that we will somehow seem less than we are. Sometimes we worry too much about making sure everyone thinks that we have no problems and that we have it all together, the perfect life. There is no such thing. All of us have our problems and it is okay to be vulnerable. That is the very key to service. It forces us to become selfless, and more loving. Just think of what the world would be like if we all focused more on serving and reaching out to those around us. The world would be a much better place. I believe that one person can make a difference. I want so much to be the kind of person that helps others. I want to make my life more. I want to be more. How does a stay at home mom be more than just that? What can I do to be out there and make a difference?  Right now with my health the way it is there is only so much I can do, so that is why I write my experiences, thoughts, and stories down. I do it in the hopes that I might reach someone out there who needed to hear the very thing I shared. I have learned so much through other people and what they have given me through the sharing of their experiences. I hope that putting myself out there, I will have made a difference in maybe just one person's life. I really believe that serving others makes us better people and that it's beneficial to everyone. Let us take the time each day to help someone. Let's make a goal to make a difference.