Fear

How many of us have become crippled by fear. I have over the span of five years become completely incapacitated by my fear of pain. Any pain I endured since that time has been extremely hard to cope with. I share much about my accident, and it is my hope that you can have patience in listening one more time. Over the years I have gained much insight on my process of healing. Becoming my own advocate researching all aspects of the damage and the steps to healing. For years I have been terrified of having something like my accident and the pain I endured happen again. I have been so afraid. I knew in my heart that fear doesn't come from God. I knew that I needed to trust in him, but in the midst of my pain I asked him to take it away that it was too much to bear. My answer was loud in my ear. No. I couldn't understand, but because of my strong faith at the time, I asked him to help me through it then. I didn't know how to give it to the Lord. All my fears, pain, emotions, anxiety, and depression. As my trauma grew, my faith decreased. I was shaken to the core by this experience, and although I loved my Heavenly Father, I never had been tested so strongly to where I felt my faith was dwindling. I knew that there were things I could do to increase my faith, and to grow close to my Heavenly Father, but I realized I was angry that he had let me go through something so horrible. It was affecting everyone around me. My husband was stressed to complete end. My kids were suffering. I wanted for this to be over and taken from me and I didn't help myself. After time I accepted that this was something that would eventually make me stronger that I could learn to cope. I had to accept what the Lord had in mind for me, not what I had in mind. As long as I continued to fight or find a way to change things I was only making it harder on myself. Now keep in mind that this was a long process that spanned over five years. It took a long time to go through all the steps of grief: Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining, and Acceptance. I am still healing but have come to the acceptance phase of my healing. In accepting the Lord's will I have begun to really heal from this ordeal. I recently had a surgery, one that wasn't necessary, but eventually would be. I had an incision that broke open and healed very wrong. My Doctor told me that it could herniate and I didn't want to go through one more thing when all I had to do was repair it. It was an easy repair and fairly non-invasive. So along with the pain and discomfort with it, as well as it was hideous, I didn't want to deal with a hernia too. I decided because I had reached my deductible it would be a free endeavor. As the surgery came ever nearer to me I began to become distressed with my PTSD symptoms. The evening prior was a nightmare. The following morning worse. I was a mess. When my husband and I were in the elevator I put my head softly on the elevator wall and asked why I was doing this? It wasn't an emergency? Why was I putting myself through this? He told me to be strong and that it would be better to get it done than to leave it. So many memories flooded my mind. It was the same time of year as my accident, the sounds, the smells. As the nurse took my blood pressure she looked at me with concern and asked if I was in pain. My blood pressure was 160/100, and my heart rate was 150 or so beats per minute. I told her that I had PTSD and that I would be okay. They did everything to make me comfortable. Suddenly it hit me with great clarity. I needed to go through this because I was facing my fear. That if I was truly going to begin to heal and no longer prolong my healing I had to face my fear. That as horrible as my ordeal was it would soon pass. That in the end because I faced my fear I would gain control of my fear that it would no longer control me. I was excited for this idea. My pain was intense after the surgery, but for the first time in years, I was calm and in control and did my best to help myself. I was no longer afraid. It felt amazing! I was so excited that after five years of hell, I was free! Now keep in mind my health trial have not changed, but my outlook changed. I was beginning to heal. Healing doesn't happen over night, but it can happen swiftly. I can begin to heal finally, and I am not afraid. If I had not done this surgery, and listened to my Savior. I would have run from this and prolonged my healing. I am so happy that this experience has made me better. I am stronger. I can help others' as I have compassion and empathy. I am so grateful that I had the strength to endure, that my Heavenly Father helped me through this. If we fight what he has in store from us, we only make things harder. He is our Father, he loves us, and knows us. He knows what is best for us, better that we know for ourselves. Just as we love our children, we know what is best for them and we are to guide them. He is the same. This is what I have learned. I am grateful to have gained this knowledge and experience. I hope to pass on these things. Accept what you must, let go of the idea that we have control our control over things is limited, endure till the end it too shall pass, gain strength through our Savior, gain strength from family and friends, remain positive, and do not fear, replace fear with faith.